Charmy sat at the bar with a notepad in one hand and a pen in the other, his posture stiff with the kind of seriousness usually reserved for important interviews and dramatic courtroom scenes. Frenchy sat across from him, blinking in confusion as she watched him scribble something down with intense focus.
“Frenchy is a selfish lady who wants everything to be about herself,” Charmy read aloud as he wrote.
Frenchy’s mouth dropped open.
“That is not what I said!”
Charmy did not look up.
“It is the implication.”
Frenchy leaned forward, tapping the notepad.
“You cannot just write things like that!”
Charmy finally glanced up at him.
“I am a journalist.”
Frenchy crossed his arms.
“You just asked me about you for an article that is supposed to be about me!”
Charmy nodded calmly.
“That is called context.”
Frenchy blinked.
“That is not context.”
Charmy scribbled again.
“Subject displays confusion when confronted with basic reporting techniques.”
Frenchy grabbed the edge of the notepad, trying to pull it closer.
“Let me see that!”
Charmy pulled it back immediately.
“Hands off the press.”
Frenchy groaned.
“You are doing this wrong.”
Charmy tilted his head.
“Oh, I am sorry, do you have a degree in journalism?”
Frenchy hesitated.
“No.”
Charmy smiled.
“Then please allow the professional to work.”
Frenchy leaned back, clearly annoyed.
“You are not a professional.”
Charmy pointed to the notepad.
“I am conducting an interview.”
Frenchy rolled his eyes.
“You are attacking my character.”
Charmy tapped the pen against the paper thoughtfully.
“That is a strong quote.”
Frenchy threw his hands up.
“That is not a quote!”
Charmy wrote it down anyway.
“Subject claims character is under attack,” he muttered.
Frenchy stared at him in disbelief.
“You are unbelievable.”
Charmy nodded.
“I get that a lot.”
Frenchy leaned forward again.
“Ask me a real question.”
Charmy flipped the page dramatically.
“Fine.”
He cleared his throat.
“Where were you born?”
Frenchy blinked.
“Why does that matter?”
Charmy shrugged.
“It builds a profile.”
Frenchy sighed.
“I was born in a hospital.”
Charmy paused.
“That narrows it down.”
Frenchy crossed his arms again.
“That is all you are getting.”
Charmy scribbled something down.
“Subject unwilling to provide basic biographical information.”
Frenchy pointed at the page again.
“You make everything sound bad.”
Charmy looked up.
“I am simply recording the facts.”
Frenchy leaned closer.
“You asked me about my relationship with you!”
Charmy nodded.
“And you said we are on good terms.”
Frenchy relaxed slightly.
“Yes.”
Charmy wrote something else.
“Subject describes relationship as ‘barely acceptable’.”
Frenchy’s jaw dropped.
“That is not what I said!”
Charmy shrugged.
“It is the tone I picked up.”
Frenchy shook his head.
“You are twisting everything.”
Charmy tapped the pen against the paper again.
“Subject accuses journalist of twisting facts.”
Frenchy buried his face in his hands.
“This is a disaster.”
Charmy leaned back proudly.
“This is journalism.”
Frenchy looked up again.
“Ask me something about me.”
Charmy thought for a moment.
“Fine.”
He leaned forward.
“What are your hobbies?”
Frenchy brightened slightly.
“I like talking to people.”
Charmy nodded.
“That is obvious.”
Frenchy frowned.
“What does that mean?”
Charmy scribbled again.
“Subject enjoys excessive conversation.”
Frenchy pointed at the notepad again.
“You make everything sound terrible!”
Charmy looked at him.
“I am painting a picture.”
Frenchy leaned closer.
“You are painting a mugshot.”
Charmy paused, then wrote that down too.
“Subject demonstrates unexpected wit.”
Frenchy blinked.
“Well, that one is not bad.”
Charmy nodded.
“I am fair when it is earned.”
Frenchy straightened in his seat.
“Okay, ask me something else.”
Charmy flipped another page.
“What are your strengths?”
Frenchy smiled proudly.
“I am kind, I am friendly, and I care about others.”
Charmy nodded slowly as he wrote.
“Subject claims to possess positive qualities.”
Frenchy narrowed his eyes.
“Claims.”
Charmy looked up.
“I am remaining objective.”
Frenchy leaned back again.
“You are impossible.”
Charmy smiled.
“That is not the first time I have heard that.”
Frenchy crossed his arms again.
“Are you going to write anything nice about me?”
Charmy tapped the pen against the page.
“I already did.”
Frenchy leaned forward.
“What?”
Charmy read from the notepad.
“Subject demonstrates unexpected wit.”
Frenchy stared at him.
“That is one sentence.”
Charmy nodded.
“It is a strong sentence.”
Frenchy sighed.
“This article is going to make me look terrible.”
Charmy shrugged.
“That depends on how you answer the questions.”
Frenchy threw his hands up again.
“I answered them fine!”
Charmy looked down at the notepad.
“That is debatable.”
Frenchy leaned forward again, determined.
“Give me one more chance.”
Charmy raised an eyebrow.
“One more chance.”
Frenchy nodded.
“Ask me something important.”
Charmy thought for a moment, then leaned in seriously.
“What do you think people should know about you?”
Frenchy sat up straight, taking a deep breath.
“I think people should know that I am a good person who always tries to help my friends, even when they are being difficult.”
Charmy paused.
Frenchy watched him carefully.
Charmy slowly wrote something down.
“What did you write?” Frenchy asked cautiously.
Charmy read it aloud.
“Subject believes she is surrounded by difficult people.”
Frenchy slammed his hand on the bar.
“That is not what I said!”
Charmy looked up calmly.
“It is what I heard.”
Frenchy leaned back, completely defeated.
“I give up.”
Charmy nodded and closed the notepad with satisfaction.
“That concludes the interview.”
Frenchy stared at him.
“That was a disaster.”
Charmy tucked the notepad into his pocket.
“That was productive.”
Frenchy shook his head.
“You are going to ruin my reputation.”
Charmy smiled.
“Or make you famous.”
Frenchy sighed.
“I do not want to be famous like this.”
Charmy stood up from the stool.
“Trust me, people love a good story.”
Frenchy watched him as he prepared to leave.
“You did not even ask me about my favorite things.”
Charmy paused.
Then he pulled the notepad back out, flipped it open, and quickly scribbled one last line.
He read it aloud with a satisfied grin.
“Subject enjoys complaining about interviews.”
Frenchy groaned loudly as Charmy walked away, already pleased with the article he had created, completely unaware that his version of journalism was quickly becoming its own kind of headline.
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