Porph closes his laptop and exits the Candy bar. He storms off behind the bar with Mercendu pursuing in tow.

Porph paced back and forth in the dusty clearing behind The Candy Bar, muttering about incompetence, cosmic disgrace, and what he called the grand stupidity of Earth. His pale greenish blue skin flickered in agitation while his antennas twitched like angry windshield wipers. Mercendu sat on a boulder humming a happy tune as if doom were a mild inconvenience like running out of oat milk.

“I still cannot believe it”, Porph grumbled. “Earthlings have discovered our mothership and they named it 3i/Atlas. What kind of name is that. It sounds like a coupon code for a discount gym membership”.

#3i/Atlas

Mercendu kicked her legs cheerfully. “I still vote Daisy Petals. Imagine it. A giant glowing ship drifting toward Earth like a cute cosmic flower. It melts your heart with beauty”.

“I would rather melt the human’s hearts my way”, says Porph. He threw both arms into the air. “Cute does not win wars. Cute does not inspire fear. Cute does not send entire civilizations into trembling panic”.

Mercendu smiled. “I told you cute does win battles. Cute got me out of a parking ticket last week. That officer was very overwhelmed by my eyelashes”.

Porph slapped his forehead. “Holy macca noodle. That is not something to brag about. Besides, I bet you used that hypnotoxin that bends human will”.

Mercendu shrugged. “It is still a victory. And victories matter… no matter how it was actually won”.

Porph pointed angrily toward the sky where the glowing streak of the so called comet shimmered faintly. “They think that is a comet. A comet. As if we would build a ship the size of Manhattan just to circle the sun for fun. Earthlings are so clueless it hurts my antennas”.

Mercendu squinted up at the glowing object. “Well to be fair it does look comet like if you squint and tilt your head and pretend you know nothing about intergalactic engineering”.

“That is the problem”. Porph snapped. “They know nothing. And yet they talk so confidently on their television shows. I watched one man say it was a cosmic marshmallow. Another said it was a message from the universe telling humans to stop eating gluten. A third said it was a sign that aliens were coming to steal Taylor Swift”.

#aliensighting #cometvibes

Mercendu clapped her hands. “Oh no not Taylor. The humans get cranky when anything disrupts Taylor”.

Porph sighed. “Trust me. We do not want Taylor Swift. We do not want any of their celebrities. We want the planet. And our mothership is coming to get it”.

Mercendu gave a tiny gasp. “Porph. Do not say things like that while I am sipping my bubble tea. Doom tastes weird with tapioca”.

Porph ignored her. “The recent earthquakes. The tremors. The weird tidal disturbances. All caused by our ship’s gravitational stabilizers. That is the first sign of planetary takeover. But do the humans notice. Of course not. They blame tectonic plates and climate this and El Nino that. They are so determined to explain things logically that they completely miss the giant alien ship barreling toward them at interstellar speeds”.

Mercendu tilted her head. “To be fair the tectonic plate explanation is scientifically reasonable”.

Porph groaned dramatically. “You are not helping”.

Mercendu hopped off the boulder and twirled. “Still. The earthquakes are kind of pretty if you ignore the part where buildings wobble. It feels like the Earth is dancing. Like a big cranky, middle-aged belly dancer shaking off stress and the dire effects of menopause”.

Porph stared at her. “Humans are panicking. And you call it dancing”.

Mercendu nodded brightly. “Everything looks less frightening when you imagine it wearing sequins”.

Porph sticks out his tongue in disgust, “Not when the one sporting the skimpy outfit is a middle-aged, menopausal woman who is belly dancing with more belly than dancing”.

As Mercendu smiled in amusement at Porph’s comments, Porph threw his hands in the air again. “You cannot just add glitter to an apocalypse and call it a show!”.

Mercendu lifted her chin. “Whatever”.

Porph refocused on the sky. “Anyway. Once the mothership gets close enough the humans will lose their minds. They think 3i/Atlas is going to pass harmlessly. They made cute little graphics on social media. Hashtags like cometwatch2025 and skyglownight. They even made T shirts”.

Mercendu’s eyes lit up. “I saw one. It had a cartoon comet with a smiling face and sparkles. Very adorable. I bought one”.

Porph growled. “They are celebrating our mothership as if it were a holiday light show. They have no idea that when it gets close enough it will activate the atmospheric unlocking device”.

Mercendu blinked. “Wait which device is that. The one that makes everything float for thirty seconds or the one that makes cows moo backward… Oom! Oom! So funny”.

Porph frowned. “Neither. That is the dispersal generator. And the cow thing was an accident. No. The atmospheric unlocking device is the one that opens the sky”.

Mercendu gasped dramatically. “Opens it like a present”.

Porph shook his head. “You know. I cannot tell if you are being serious anymore”.

Mercendu smiled. “That is part of my charm. Keep them guessing”.

“I cannot believe you are my sister”, Porph sighed again. “The device will tear the atmosphere temporarily so the invasion fleet can slip through undetected. Or rather it would have if humans were not already pointing every camera they own straight at the sky filming shaky footage for their social media. I saw one clip titled Possible Alien Doorway or Atmospheric Fart”.

Mercendu giggled. “Atmospheric fart. That is gold”.

#atmosphericfart

Porph frowned. “This is not funny. Earth is on the verge of collapse”.

Mercendu patted his shoulder. “And yet. You are adorable when you stress. Like a little angry tea kettle. Steam everywhere”.

Porph shook her hand off. “Focus. Once the sky opens they will realize 3i/Atlas is not a comet. And then they will panic. And then they will have questions. And then they will blame everything from the price of eggs to electric cars. And then someone will write a movie script and cast a handsome actor who looks nothing like me”.

Mercendu tilted her head. “You would be played by a grumpy household appliance”.

Porph blinked. “Excuse me?”.

“A crock pot”. Mercendu said cheerfully. “A very cranky one”.

Porph groaned. “This is what I get for trying to explain things to you. The impending end of Earth is a serious matter”.

Mercendu nodded. “Yes. But doom is easier to hear when it is mixed with comedy. Humans do that too. They make jokes during disasters. It is a coping mechanism that keeps them from falling apart. They have deep spirits. They want to live. Even if they name your expensive warship something that sounds like a shipping invoice.”

Porph snorted. “It is not a warship. It is a strategic atmospheric manipulation platform”.

Mercendu smiled. “Exactly. And they named it after a warehouse”.

Porph growled. “I know”.

Mercendu tapped her chin. “Maybe when we take over Earth we can help them with branding. They need it. You saw what they named their most dangerous weather event. Bomb cyclone. That sounds like something a child invented while eating cookies”.

Porph sighed again. “Look. The point is. Earth is about to experience real panic. Terrifying panic. The kind that makes people buy canned soup in bulk. Once the sky cracks open they will understand too late”.

Mercendu took Porph’s hand. “Maybe it will not be too late. Maybe they will surprise you. They are not always smart. But they are clever. Creative. Resilient. And they have cats. Cats are powerful”.

Porph muttered. “Cats are tiny demons. But fine. Maybe Earth has a chance”.

Mercendu smiled. “That is the spirit”.

Porph shook his head. “I stand by my point. They are unbelievably clueless. A comet. They think our ship is a comet”.

Mercendu shrugged. “Humans do their best. They made a whole documentary last week explaining that 3i/Atlas is made of ice. Ice. Can you imagine. A giant frozen ball that travels politely through space like an intergalactic popsicle”.

#spacepopsicle

Porph groaned. “You see. This is why we are taking the planet”.

Mercendu looped her arm through his. “Well. If we are going to take it. Can we at least keep the cats”.

Porph hesitated. “Fine. But no more parking tickets”.

Mercendu grinned. “No promises”.

Above them the so called comet glowed brighter as it drifted closer to Earth. Humanity watched with excitement. Earth scientists tweeted theories. Influencers filmed sky reaction videos. Merch shops sold shirts at a discount.

And only two aliens stood behind The Candy Bar staring up at their enormous disguised mothership. One worried about the end of the world. The other wished it had daisies painted on it.

Between them Earth’s future trembled like a soda can being shaken by someone who had no idea what was about to explode.

#cosmicchaos #earthlingfails #ufotruth #unseeninvaders #CharmysArmy